My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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