and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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