you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We need to get me chipped asap
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
