my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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