Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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