So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We got so high we made milksteak
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
