Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
