I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
