Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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