Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
