just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
