Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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