she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
