Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
