I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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