i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
