So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
