Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
