you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
