My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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