fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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