There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
