It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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