A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
