Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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