Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
