tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
