if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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