They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
