if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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