Moan for me like Helen Keller
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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