Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
