I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
