I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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