Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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