LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
