I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
