I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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