onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
