And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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