You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
