I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
