literally had 100 drinks last night.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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