We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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