She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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