two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
