he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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