This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
there is puke in my bra ... again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
