I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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