You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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