Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
